The Trainer, Session 3

12 Jul

If you missed my first post entitled “The Trainer,” you should click the link and check that out first. I just finished the third session with my trainer yesterday. I am now a mega-cut beef-cake. Which reminds me at the onset. Anything I say about my trainer on this blog, stays on the blog. You have no idea how much I fear this woman.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s very knowledgeable, nice, and is a wonderful trainer. I’m just deathly afraid of her. I play a dangerous game to get these posts to you. One day I’m going to breach the topic of my blog with her. That day will be after she moves to Florida in a few weeks.

I hope she finds my embellishment and terrified rambling funny, or if not, that she stays in Florida. Again, she’s really nice though, so she’ll get it and laugh right?

The 1%

In our sessions we do circuit training, which is where you take a handful of exercises (often keying in a specific muscle group) and do them a number of times in rapid succession. The whole time she urges me to faster and occasionally corrects my sagging form as I break down. That’s the goal you see, to break me down. I go till burn-out, when my muscles fail and I lie on my face panting and twitching slightly. She pushes me till I have nothing left.

But I have a secret. Before I tell you what it is you have to swear this oath aloud: I, _______, solemnly swear not to tell Brandon Swanson’s trainer about this secret under penalty of personal training sessions with aforementioned trainer or $10,000 USD.

Okay, that should do it. Actually, could you sign and mail me that oath to me before you continue? Thanks.

Okay, okay, here’s the secret: I’m not completely broken by our sessions. I keep 1% for myself.

The 5%

A little explanation is needed. That last 1% is not my dignity. That goes when you tap into the last 5% of what I have. I wheeze. I fall over. I yell things like, “Get up!” to myself after I’ve fallen over. No, I turn into an amusing sight long before the 1% is used up.

I think it’s because of this that you may THINK that you’ve taken my 1%. Ha! What is that 1%? In the last 1% I beg for mercy and cry like a baby and ask for my binky. I start stumbling around singing show-toons. I have conversations with myself. I ask myself in a terrible accent if I have any Grey Poupon. Then I LOL at myself in response.

I’ve only been there once and thankfully I was alone. Since then I zealously guard the 1%.

A Fool’s Hope

Session one was hell. Session two was much easier. I attributed this change to my work ethic and Wolverine-like super-powers of recovery paying dividends. Session three showed me that I was given mercy in session two and it was a limited time offer.

I did tell her at the onset of session two that my hamstrings were tight from a recent long run. I think that’s the key. Today, the day after a training session, I’m not above faking an injury next week, but I think by next Wednesday I’ll probably be back to my “I’m super-human and can handle anything” self again. Pride always cometh before the fall. I do it weekly and I’m too stupid to stay down.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go

or, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

My sessions are supposed to be an hour long. This one was two and a half hours long. We did our crazy circuit training that left my vision blurry and my responses sluggish. Then I jumped, ran sideways, backward, forward and did this complicated squat maneuver on the treadmill. I did kettle-bell training. I jumped rope. I hurt everywhere today. It all began with the question, “Do you have anywhere you need to be?” I answered truthfully. I’m honest to a fault.

Actually to really be honest I loved it all (except for the crazy circuit lifting at the beginning). If I had the time I’d workout and play sports all day long. I was always the last off the field or court growing up. I played every minute of every game one basketball season so that my coach could rest his limited roster and I never tired.

So I had lots of fun and I think my trainer had fun teaching me new things. Though I am broken down thoroughly in these sessions and love to tell about them so you can laugh at me, I really do love them. They are a challenge that I look forward to and appreciate.

To My Trainer

So to you, my trainer, as you read these words from sunny Florida, I thank you for your encouragement, advice, and extra time. It’s been fantastic. I’m a much more rounded athlete for it and plan to keep it that way. My running is better and stronger. I’m tougher. I’ve gotten closer to the 1% than I’ve ever been and it’s been an experience I highly recommend.

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