The Search for Borg’s Butt and Other Misguided Quests

28 Aug

I just found my favorite part of blogging. It has nothing to do with Bjorn Borg’s butt. Well, I guess it kinda does, but Bjorn’s butt is just the beginning.

Shame on you. I can’t believe you clicked that tab. BUT…

I had hoped you would. I don’t think you will regret it. What I have to share this post is revolutionary fun for this blog. I can’t keep this new tidbit of knowledge to myself. It wouldn’t be right.

Search Terms

Ah internet seekers of knowledge and entertainment, I know just what you’re looking for. For some of you it’s a “Timex visor.” For others it’s “Bjorn Borg’s butt.” Still others want to know “why were John Stockton’s shorts were so short?” I know because when you land on my site I have stats on the admin end of the blog that tell me the words you searched in order to get here.

To seasoned bloggers and anyone in the 8-30 year-old age-range this is not anything new. For folks like myself that gave up pen and paper for good only last year, I find these search terms illuminating, hilarious, and sometimes deeply, deeply disturbing. I guess when you call your blog “Real Men Show Leg” you’re just asking for it.

You Ask, I Deliver!!

Like I said, I know just what you’re looking for. Even when you yourself don’t know, I’ll tell you what you REALLY wanted to know in my latest blog category, “What You Really Want.”

Who says you can’t please everyone?! Apparently with blogging statistics you can! For the most part the search terms people used were pretty tame and uninteresting, so I’m going to ignore these requests. I don’t have time for your non-compelling questions. So while I’m saying it’s possible to please everyone, I chose not to. Sorry. That’s just how I roll.

Let’s Begin!

I’ll first give the term searched in quotes and then tailor my response to fit exactly what you, the surfer was looking for! Internet magic in the making.

1)”reasons to stop unning for exercise” and “reasons to stop running”

What you really want to know:

Sooo, “unning” I believe is the act of not running. Actually unning, more accurately speaking, is the act of doing nothing. It takes true skill to be an “unner” as you’re almost always doing SOMETHING, but while it takes singular effort, unning is probably the worst form of exercise out there. It burns less calories than watching television. So I’d go with any exercise rather than to “un.”

For the person that wanted reasons not to “RUN” the answers are elementary, but vital that you understand and I’m really glad you sought my help. Stop running when:

-you reach any major precipice.

-you are about to strike any large, immovable object. (houses, boulders, governors/body-builders/wrestlers/actors, and the like)

-you are sleeping. (ultra runners tend to bend this rule)

-you are at indoor social functions, such as a wedding. I see no reason why you couldn’t run laps around an outdoor wedding ceremony… provided that there are no major precipices behind the altar.

-you are training hard for an big, upcoming un.

I spent an additional 30 seconds searching my mind for other scenarios in which you should stop running and I’m nearly 5% sure that that list is exhaustive. So there you go, run on!

2)”Bjorn Borg butt”

What you really want:

Okay, it’s clear to me that you’re looking for gratuitous photos of Bjorn’s chiseled buttocks. But alas, who isn’t? Why, just this afternoon I did that very search and came up with nothing, or should I say everything. I highly discourage you to do an image search for “Bjorn Borg’s butt” in fact. Once again I took a bullet (or rather a buttock) for you. You’re welcome.

I instead encourage a much more family friendly term like “Bjorn Borg.” Oh is it funny to look at pictures of Bjorn. The flowing mane barely tamed by a sweatband coupled with ridiculously short shorts make for a great 5 minutes of entertainment. You will also learn that since retiring from the world of tennis Bjorn started his own line of clothing, featuring underwear. Apparently it’s huge in Europe. America is always behind the times. So though you can’t find Bjorn’s butt anywhere on the internet, you can wear the skivvies he designed.

All of the above is really just filler that I offer as fluff to appease the hardcore fan of Bjorn’s butt that doesn’t want my excuses. I’m sorry, this is the one time I will EVER fail you in this new segment. As my recompense I post this picture of my own Bjorn inspired back-side. I’m no Bjorn, but I’m not J-Lo either. Okay that was wrong. Oh well. Enjoy!

20120828-125741.jpg

I apologize for the long shorts. Those are the longest pair of shorts I own and just happened to be wearing them. I can’t afford to replace my entire wardrobe at this time. I am ashamed non-the-less. And now that I’ve learned of Bjorn’s line of underwear, I’m going to have to replace my drawers before I retire my long shorts. Such is life.

Look for more of “what you really want” in the next coming weeks. I’ll even give a cookie to the person that finds the most obscure and random way to land on my blog.

10 Responses to “The Search for Borg’s Butt and Other Misguided Quests”

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    You sir, are an incredibly kick-ass individual and an awesome writer! I wish I could blog like you do! It has been a pleasure to read your tales!! Please keep them up!

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      Thanks Paul!

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